I enter the back room / storage unit/ out of business store/ dressing room and put on my customary black vest and black bow tie. I look like a valet attendant or work at indie theater. It’s Christmas season, I’ve been working like 60 hours a week, like 10, 11, 12 hours a day and it’s a day 21 for me. I am the photographer at a mall Santa set.
But not just any mall, The Beverly Center say it with me, The Beverly Center. They do things different. They are in a class of it’s own.
The Santa set or Santa living room. It is the middle of the mall of the bottome or sixth floor as they have it. (Parking is 1-5) where everyone can see can any level. Right next to the Wave Bar, that is also in the middle of mall. The Wave Bar actually opens before Santa and goes late.
Santa’s “Workshop” is a 8’ high to 8’ wide, gold couch/chair/ when Santa sits it looks like just got shrunk or doing Gildna Radner impression. On either side are a variety of Christmas trees, Chic trees though in black and white, another is just frosted stick made into a tree, a silver tree and of course, it’s not Christmas with silver wire and diamond tree. The trees were symmetric on either side of the Santa throne. No Santa House, or fence or Santa workshop, we were out in the open, naked and bare. We were the face of the mall this Christmas season at the Beverly Center.
After getting my wardrobe, I had to get my camera ready, while my partner, Jason got the cash register ready. Like most mall Santa sets, there is a stationary camera and then the printer is already there and same with cash register. I said before and I’ll say it again, this is the Beverly Center and we are in Hollywood. Here we take photos paparazzi style. I’m holding the camera at all times, free flowing and able to maneuver around. I am paparazzi. I take the pictures and then I bring the camera over to the guest services which is 20 feet away were he uploads it on the computer and prints it out and deals with the money.
Today we have our substitute Santa. Our usual Santa has previously scheduled parties and appearances.
12:00pm and it’s time for Santa to come on out. Jason the goes back to the break room and gets Santa.
I’m out in the open doing my thing, which is talking to everyone like they’re a child.
“Merry Christmas,” as I exclaim in a soft parenting voice talking to a baby and I’m waving with a big dopey smile.
“Happy Holidays,” for all that look like they might not believe in Christmas, because as I learned from the first couple of days. Some people get really really offended if you say Merry Christmas to them and they don’t celebrate, almost to the point like I just spit in their face. Seriously they get that angered by it. So I started holiday seasonal profiling. Which is a safe bet. Hardcore white people -Merry Christmas. Mexicans – Merry Christmas, they can’t uderstand you they jus nod their heads, except for the daughter who is their little translator. African Americans – it’s Merry Christmas, occasionally you get a reply back, Happy Kwanza. Asian – Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, doesn’t really matter they don’t really acknowledge back. If you can’t tell those 4 races, then it’s Happy Holidays. But in the same big smile soft talking to the child voice, “Happy Holidays.”
Santa’s out. His outfit, has some holly on the Santa cap, and looks like Sean Connery’s second cousin, and he is has a cane. A Santa pimp cane.
“Hey Santa, I’m Adrian.”
“Hello Adrian, you an call me Santa Kris, which is my real name. My last name is Krengel…. Which in Gaelic it means, Kringle. He says with a head nod, ‘matter of factly.”
He then proceeds to take out his driving liscense, “See look.”
I glance at it and realize it’s going to be a long day.
He puts it away.
“Happy Holidays,” I say to an older Jewish woman walking by. Santa is standing right next to me so I decide to try to make some small talk, “So how you doing today?”
He sucks in his breath, “ooh I was out late last night doing a party as Santa. Ooh let me tell you, the place was a mansion, gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful the meals, the food they had all laid out everything you dream of, lobster, oyster, shrimp, they it was lavished. This was the most well decorated and biggest house that I have worked at and the party. The party was hosted by J.L. and Jessica Smart.” Santa walks to his chair a couple of steps, then leans back to me, “…of Smart & Final.” And he does a matter of factly nod.
I stay put and keep greeting people. “Merry Christmas, you want to come see Santa? Come see Santa?” as I had direct then to view Santa. The five thugged out Black guys, who were trying to keep a straight face, crack a smile and laugh.
“Man, you stupid,” as they keep smiling.
“Come see Santa.”
Santa, restless from no kids around in line or at the mall, calls me, “Adrian, Adrian,” he motions me over.
I head over, “what’s up Santa.”
“I’ve been doing Santa for a good 13 years now and have become very wise learned over the years and these last couple, I realized something and have become a better Santa do you know what it is?”
“Nope.”
“This cane.” He lifts up the cane. It’s a clear cane with a gray rubber bottom. On top is a porcelin like figurie of a miniaturized Satna. “My little Santa.” He pushes it more to my viewing and then pulls it back to elaborate. “But this is a special Santa because it is made out a crystallized fiber class and when you put your left on… it warms your hand up. The reason why it warns you left hand up …. Because it has the most blood going through the hand.” As he shows me his left hand.
I turn around to find our first customer and hour after we open.
The mom looks like she threw something on out of bed, meaning she look like shit. The dad didn’t want to be there and the baby girl was dressed perfectly.
“I just want to take a picture of her. It’s her first Christmas, looking to send this out as a Christmas card.
“Ok Mom,” Santa says with authority, “Listen to me I’ve been doing this for 13 years now and I know how babies. You can tell when there bottom lips pout out that they are going to cry. So what I want you to do it hold your child and sit on my lap with her.
“I just want her in the picture.”
Santa drops his head down like he is already annoyed by her. He brings it back up.
“Listen this is what we are going to do. You are going to sit on my lap, and Dad, Dad come on over here and get in the picture . Come on over.”
“I don’t really want to,” the Dad tries to shrug off.
“Come on, get over here,” Mortal Kombat Santa says.
The Dad takes off his back pack and sits by Santa.
“Now Dad I want you to hold my cane.”
The Dad reluctantly holds the cane. And they are all set for pictures.
“Guchi, guchi goo,” as I try to get the babies attention and to get her to smile. As I jump around. “Boop, boop, boop.” I rapid fire a couple of pictures as she gives a couple of grins. Santa looks like a deer in head lights. His eyes are wide open complete circles.
“Okay I think we got it. If you guys want to come on over here, and you can take a look at the pictures.” As I direct them to the guest services are to see the computer.”
But of course they weren’t coming because Santa had them in his trance or doing his schtick.
“…now what I want you to do Mom, is put your left hand on the little Santa and close your eyes and think of something that you really want this Christmas Season. Do you feel your hand warming up?”
“Yes, I do.”
“That means you’ve been good and it will come true.”
The Mom takes her hand off and gives a smile.
“Okay, Dad your turn now,” as Santa moves the cane to the Dad’s side and continues to do that to every child and parent, family or whoever is in each group. No matter how big of a line of 3 families that we might have.
After talking to my partner at the cash register, everyone was pretty weirded out by it. What’s even worse, is how there is the H1N1 virus scare going around and everyone is touching little Santa with out protection. And the parents weren’t too happy with Santa’s bug eye look either.
We go through a stretch were he doesn’t get any visitors.
“Merry Christmas, come see Santa? Come see Santa?”
“Look like Santa is asleep?” the older tanned out gentleman in Ed Hardy gear says back.
I turn around and see Santa with his head down, “Santa, Santa, Santa.” I walk over to him with the eerie thought in my head that always pop in at this type of situation, “Santa…” I reach over and move his shoulder, “Santa?”
He pops his head up, “Yes.”
“Santa, you can’t be sleeping.”
“I wasn’t sleeping, I was just thinking where would be a good place to buy puppet supplies, is there perhaps a store that makes puppets?”
“What? Santa you can’t be sleeping.”
“I wasn’t, I was thinking.”
I walk back to my spot and go back to greeting people.
Jason comes over to chat, talking about the latest on the Tiger Woods and how another girl has come out about having an affair with him Santa has gotten from his thrown and steps on right next to me and hears a brief moment of us talking about Tiger.
“You talking about Tiger? See I hate this let his live his life. Leave his private life out of this. This isn’t journalism, journalism, died years ago. I used to work with the association press during my day and this saticaltic press is out of control and needs to end. I had a friend die because of this paparazzi style reporting, they did a movie on it called LA Confidential, he was the one the got murder! Because someone lied in their reporting.
“Santa! Calm down” I cut him off as I see kids approaching.
The kids say hi, and their parents pull them off to shopping.
“So what do you do, Adrian?”
“I do, a little bit of everything, writing, acting, actually right now I’m shooting my own film.”
“See that is what I’m talking about,” People like son, who are doing on your own and not letting the studios try to droll out this garbage that they are putting out there with no original ideas. I was just like when I was younger. Me and my 9 buddies each put in a grand and made a movie, we shot it on our own, acted all of it, ended up going to the paramount lot in some small room and editing it.
“We finished the film it was called Vampire Knights and we got an agent to sell. He took it to the foreign market. He came back and he wanted to know what we wanted we wanted out of this. We said, sell it. We got out flat check and our movie ended up being one of the biggest movies in Europe and played for years. It was huge over there.”
He pauses for a second widens his eyes and nods and continues.
“Well years later a screenwriter over here in America got a hold of it and optioned it, wrote it, ends up being filmed and was release in America. Blockbuster, it was a blockbuster; huge success in America. Well it went over to Europe and it bombed, nothing because Europe had already seen that movie, so it never caught on in Europe, and do you know what this American Blockbuster movie was?” he says, as he begins to walk toward his throne, he stops and turns back towards me. “A little movie, called Lost Boys with Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patric.” He turns back and goes to sit on his chair.
I’m sure there was a short version to say that somewhere, in the archives.
“Happy Halloween,” for some reason my mind has been caught up saying Happy Halloween. I have to catch myself.
… and Santa’s back.
“You know I have all these ideas of movies in my head. Hundreds of movies ideas, all up here,” he taps his Santa cane to his head. “How about this for an opening of a movie. We are at this gang’s hideout they are all there. They have the heroine and in walks this hero, butt ass naked. He has his hands up and walks in and the hero says, “Do you guys want to frisk me?” and the gang leader replies, “You’re naked don’t need to.” And he sends one of his guy to go get him. And just as the guy gets there to seize him, the hero reaches behind himself and grabs the gun that is duct taped to his ass cheek and puts the gun to the guys head,” Santa then puts his finger gun to my head and quickly pulls the trigger, “Boom!!”
“Santa, cut it out, you can be doing that stuff. Doing gun motions to someone’s head. Go sit down and stay down. Jeez. What are you thinking? There are kids and parents here.”
Santa heads back and sits down.
A woman comes in with a kid.
“Are you looking to take a picture or just visit?”
“I’m going to call the mom to see if she wants a picture.”
She calls and the kid is running around back and forth on the couch cushions. Santa is just sitting there, his head down annoyed, wasn’t even talking or acknowledging that the kid is there. He breathes in and out, heavily.
Another kid comes running in and the two start playing together, must be brothers of the sorts. They bounce and jump around like Chip and Dale.
Santa gives a cough and looks up in the same motion. Something snapped in Santa and puts on a two face big old sappy smile and starts chitter chattering and jibber jabbering away with the two kids and he is telling them to come and sit on his lap and talk to him. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas. These two boys are wrestling all around Santa.
“Here pull my beard kids, its real. Come here you rascals.” Santa is really hamming it up with a huge smile on and gives them a jolly ole forced Santa fake laugh.
“Come on Adrian, let’s take a picture. Let’s take a picture with these 2 great kids.” He pulls them close to him and gives a cartoon eyes and Black Hole Sun, Soundgarden video smile.
And the reason why Santa is acting this way, is because the mom came, a little know actress named… Sharon Stone.
3 o’clock hits and I am waiting for the camera to be uploaded when I saw a German family start to walk over. I get the camera and head over. The child sits on Santas lap and the mom takes out her camera to take a picture. She takes is and I put my hand right in front of the camera.
“Sorry ma’am no pictures, with your camera. We can take pictures, but you can use your own camera.”
“I just want to take a picture.”
“I understand that, but this is a business and we don’t allow cameras.
“I am take a picture it, I would…”
She goes to take a picture and I put my face in front of the camera and smile (click). She quickly moves the camera to a different position, so I slap my pretty face and smile in front of the camera (click).
“Ma’am you can’t take a picture.”
“Who’s the manager? I want to speak to your manager.”
“I’m the manager.” I’m not. “ You can talk to me.”
“I want to speak to a higher authority.”
“I’m the highest authority, if you want you can talk to that guy over there, but he’ll back me up 100%” I point to my boss, at the cash register.
She storms over there and starts talking and looks pretty pissed off. She shows him the photos from the pictures she took. He starts to laugh but holds it in. She goes over to Guest services and wants to talk to mall management and want to get it her way.
That is not going to be happening because she came by last year and tried to pull this am ca ca mimi bullshit. So she knew the drill.
I head over to Santa, “Santa you are done for the day, let’s take you back to your dressing room.”
I decide to make an executive so, she can’t get her way. Which she still doesn’t get because mall management backs us up and is sent home on her way.
But even though Santa has gone back to his sled and reindeers, the day is just getting started because now comes, Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane girls!!!!!!
You might have seen the billboards and advertisement all over LA and in Las Vegas to NY of the Hunky Santa James, a fitness model and having been on numerous health and fitness products, magazines, calendars. He’s super ripped out solid and muscular, all of the essentials for being Hunky Santa, which the Beverly Center saw at the auditions.
The Candy Cane girls are 4 sexy girls dressing in sexy outfits. Last year they were more dancers, ribbons, twirlers and one on stilts. The mall got a lot of complaints for the Candy Cane girls were too risqué and erotic on their dances last year. So they kept the sexy and the girls and sent them into the air with aerial acrobatics, using a metal ball, tissues, ropes, and other aerialist equipment. Going 3 stories hight to perform their routines which lasted 10 to 15 minutes with no net in front of the whole mall and above the Wave Bar.
While an unfortunate circumstances happen on the second day when one of the Candy Cane girls fell from her apparatus and fell 3 stories to the floor. Luckily she new how to fall and landed correctly, fracturing her hip and wrist. Hunky Santa was first one to help and assist as they waited for the paramedics to get there.
She was replaced the next week and safety wires were used for some of the apparatuses.
It’s a fast paced 5 hours of hot steamy rapid fire of photos taken that sadly can’t be matched by the 12 photos taken for regular Santa.
The show started at 4pm and is rapping up, they take their bows and Hunky Santa and the Candy Cane Girls come over to the Golden Couch, which was made specifically for Hunky Santa. They sit down and a flood of photographs are taken similar to a movie premiere walking down to the red carpet. There days everyone has a camera or a camera phone. Now its okay to take pictures of Hunky Santa by himself but not with him.
After the wave of flashes subside the ladies leave and a solid line forms to take pics, mostly filled with older, mature women, milfs, cougars, unhappily married housewives, and gay men. Word has it that there was an article in the Advocate, about Hunky Santa, so ever since then the men have come out to play.
Our first customer are 2 older dark hair women who have put on their Sunday best for this photo op.
“Ladies, ladies, come on into Hunky Santa layer,” I say. “Go ahead put your bags down, relax get comfortable. We are all friends here, let’s enjoy this experience and let our inhabitions, intentions, or want, let you be able to do them in this warm and non critical setting. Just you and the camera, and Hunky Santa.”
The ladies are smiling and giggling away, they stand next to him.
I bring the camera up and then back down and walk over to the fine felines.
“Ladies can you do me a favor?”
They giggle, “yes.”
“It’s just that its not looking right on camera, could you lift up your outside arms. Bring them out in front of you, across your bodies.” The ladies obeying my commands, “Now just keep going until you touch his body. Don’t be afraid. You can touch. You see his abs and chest are all cold and he needs you to keep them warm.
They both put their hands on his chest and abs.
“Oh my gosh, are they real?” one of the women exclaims.
“Their implants, nah they are real,” Hunky Santa uses his canned material.
“Okay, lean in closer, real close, get cozy with him.” Click. “Nice, nice, now kick your leg back.” Click. “Perfect, head over there to the side of guest services, you’ll be able to see the photos.”
I send them on their way as the next couple of girls come in all smiles and giggling like jr. high girls meeting their crushes.
“Look at you two, you gals know what you want, I see it in your eyes. Hey don’t’ be shy.”
Both of them unsure of the position, then position their hands on the chest and the abs.
Click.
“Kick your legs back and lean in some more.”
Click.
I send them on their way and I continue with the rest of the line that takes 30 minutes to get through. Taking pictures of Cougars, teen girls, little babies, men who say they are doing as a joke yet do retakes over and over again. There is also that occasional guy that lingers around but doesn’t take a picture with Hunky but brought his own camera. Today there is actually 2 guys, one looks German with a high powered camera and is an Asian man with his cell phone camera.
It’s been a long day especially for Hunky dealing with loads of hands and bodies roaming all over him. Hunky heads in and calls it a night, and the end of Hunky Santa for the Season.
We close up shop, putting everything away and of course taking of the bow tie.
The next day all is back to normal, as I go to the break room before work to get ready. Our usual Santa is back.
I grab my vest and bow tie and put it on. While adjusting it and looking at mirror, something catches my eye. Right next to the mirror is Hunky Santa Outfit.
