Darth Maul versus Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I was working at Barnes & Noble at the Grove in Los Angeles in the summer of ’05. The big thing that was happening that summer was the release of the new Harry Potter Book; Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Barnes & Noble was putting on a huge event for the release, pretty much a six hour Harry Potter Party from 8 pm until 2 am. The store was decorated with all sorts of magic and sorcery. They hired a group of Harry Potter extremists that dressed up as Hogwarts students and helped out with events such as wand making, story telling, face painting, Harry Potter Trivia, and a Magic show. The big event was the costume contest towards the end of the night. The whole extravaganza began and the crowds came in waves of fans, parents, kids and also the regular customer, all wearing their favorite Harry Potter character, even the employees were dressing up. Some came as Hermoine, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hagrid and the rest of the gang.

With the party on its way, I came to show my support dressed up as Darth Maul. I walked in stone face prepared not to budge a smile all night. I walked in with cloak flowing behind me and my eyes piercing in front of me. I stepped on the escalator and it guided me to the second floor. I had my mind set on a Darth Maul mentality, in that ready to pounce into battle at a split seconds notice. I walked with my emotions on the edge. On the second floor I briskly walked to the escalator that took me to the third floor.
On my way up from the bottom floor I could see on lookers doing double and triple takes, pointing and staring in shock and awe. With the expression of “What is Darth Maul doing here?”
I get to the third floor and a couple of the employees are laughing. They come over to say how much they like it, I nod. I continue on to the break room and enter. I grab my name tag and change it, putting my name as ‘Darth Maul’. I then head on out.



Over the next couple of hours, these are some of the interactions that happened…

Just walking around, I had many, many, many people doing double takes at me. There were customers in the aisles reading and glance over to see Darth Maul walking by. Also having Darth Maul leaning over the railing on the third floor staring at you as enter the store was something they weren’t expecting, then seeing Darth Maul hanging out at customer service waiting to help you.

The kids were all over me running store coming to me, asking all sorts of questions, “What are you doing here? This is Harry Potter” I would reply in my deep toned Darth Maul voice, “I am the Dark Prince, in the Harry Potter book, it’s a cross over story with Star Wars.” I said this to a couple of adults who believed it. “Where is your lightsaber?” My reply, “Well, they wouldn’t let me bring it in here, you know with 9-11 and all security has been tight on bringing lightsabers into public places.” Another questions, “Are you the real Darth Maul?” “What do you think” I would snap back at them and then run off across the store. Then towards the end those same kids would chase me, wanting to play and I would throw my fist up and growl at them. They would run away screaming. Lastly with the those kids, they ended up grabbing a couple of posters and would come at me like they were lightsabers, unlucky for them I saw them grab the posters and I got my own and attacked them before they even knew what was coming. Oh and I also made a little girl cry, because I was a little too scary for her Harry Potter taste.



I probably should have charged but families after family were coming up to me asking to have their pictures taken with them. In total I had around 25 family photos.

Then there was the costume contests, they held it in the event area which a pretty large area. There were rows of chairs for the audience and families could sit to cheer on their favorite costume. In line, there were about 40 kids dressed up in their Harry Potter characters waiting to be judged. I was at the end, the last contestant. So I waited as each kid, and they were kids and only kids, as they stood in front of the crowd. The crowd would give their applause on how good their costume was. That was how the judging went. After about 15 minutes in came my turn, “Next up,” the MC said and that was all that was needed. The crowd went crazy, screaming, clapping and cheering me on as I stood up front. Then abruptly those cheers quickly turned to boo’s and people telling me to ‘get of the stage, pal’, ‘this is a Harry Potter contest’, and ‘what’s he doing?’ And at deepest moment of hatred toward me, I began chanting, “Sith, Sith, Sith, Sith…” Then the crowd started chanting along with me, “Sith, Sith, Sith, Sith! Sith!” into an erupting of applause, right back to boo’s and a more hated boo’s. The boo’s went on much longer this time sending Darth Maul packing up and out the door.

I realized when a Dark Lord of the Sith is not wanted.

Adrian's Attempted Robbery at Knife Point

It was a Monday at 6:30pm, little before sunset, I was waiting for a friend outside his apartment building(he wasn't there.) Like near Western and Hollywood Blvd (in Hollywood). I was texting on my phone, when this black guy comes up the sidewalk and then walk way to the glass door, he bumps me and then tries to open the door. The door is locked, he takes a step back and says, "hey man give me your money and wallet." and then pulls out his knife, it a steak knife (it's sharp kind).



"Sorry man I ain't got any" I say while I am texting, and give a grin.



He says me again, "Give me your money."

"I ain't got anything."

He puts the knife back in his pocket and looks around. 3 black guys are walking toward us from across the street. He goes, "See Those guys , those guys have guns and are coming over to blow your fucking head off, if you don't give my your money right now."

"Oh yeah," I kept texting.

The 3 guys keep walking by, just so happens they weren't with him.

Just then an older woman is exiting the building, she opens the door and walks in between both of us and down the walk way.

The door slowly shuts. While I easily could have just stepped right in, I opt to stay outside with this fellow as I continue texting.

He pulls out his knife again, "Where's your wallet at man? give me what you got." He looks me up and down from where he is standing.



"I ain't got. Sorry man, I ain't got it." I kept texting.



"Give me your money" He puts his knife back in his pocket. "What's up with you man? You a cop?"

"Nah, man." I raised my eyebrows I grin and kept texting.

The guy slap his head and storms away frustrated, "Maaann," he grunted.

The Adventure of KKyllian: The Superhero of Beverly Hills

The Adventure of
KKyllian: The Superhero of Beverly Hills

During a period of time in 2004 and brief stints through the years, there was a little known superhero that didn’t get much respect and wasn’t well known as the other superheroes of the time. He was there to fight crime and protect the people… for 2 hours a day and only on Sunday… and only in Beverly Hills… in the vicinity of Rodeo Dr. He was KKyllian, I was KKyllian.
The philosophy behind the 2 ‘K’, was that everyone had 2 strikes and the next mistake your done. But after further thinking about it, ‘K’ in baseball actually represents a strikeout. So in a sense 2 strikeouts and one more you are out of the inning. Of course, the explanation and symbolism of the name takes a while to explain. I still felt too strongly about it to change, thus sticking with KKyllian.

This is the first of my adventures as KKyllian, The Beverly Hills Superhero…

It’s Sunday, 9:30, and I am driving down Santa Monica heading west, in my Adrian Quihuis look. No one recognizes me and they have no clue. I turn left on Beverly Dr. Heading into the Beverly Hills Shopping District. I do the once around to see what the vibe of the streets is telling me. Tourists, Sunday family outings, and the occasionally high spenders, it’s telling me, it’s too quiet, too calm.

I turn left on Dayton and another left on Canon, I look left and right, just Sunday Morning eaters and walkers, not a rustle in the streets. I spot something up ahead.
“Perfect.”
Free 2 hour parking, I turn into the parking complex. Press the button and grab the parking ticket. The Parking attendant glances over at me. My mind races, ‘stay cool, stay cool, he doesn’t suspect a thing.’ I give a friendly head nod. He turns away. That was a close one, a little bit too close. Which gets me thinking, I can’t have anybody see me or recognize me, and able to connect me with this parking structure. I drive to the bottom floor, to get ready.
I get the bottom, bottom, bottom floor, like negative 4th floor. Just a few cars parked there, that’s good. I park over in the shadows behind a pillar, turn off the car but leave the cassette player on, (the radio doesn’t get reception) to pump me up.
I start undressing out of my Adrian outfit, to reveal the KKyllian outfit that I was wearing underneath.
A car enters the level, I stop what I am doing, lower the music and scrunch down in my seat and hide, so they can’t see me. Even though my windows are tinted, I am behind a pillar, I am dressed in all black and I am a good distance away. As a Superhero you take all precautions to hide your identity.
The gentleman shuts his door and goes to the elevator. I wait until he has left before I start doing anything. It would be just my luck if I start to continue to get ready and the car is shaking, catching his eye and then he goes to investigate to find me. Oh no, no, no, that’s not going to happen. He finally leaves.
I somewhat quickly get ready with some apparel giving me trouble, but I get through it, putting on the last piece my gloves. A smile comes over my face, I look in the mirror and nod my head, “Yeah!” I take the keys out, open the door and get out. I shut the door and stand there realizing, that I still have my keys in my hands. ‘Where do I put my keys?’ I can’t carry them around; Superheroes don’t carry their car keys in the hands while they are running around.
A car enters this level.
I quickly get back inside the car. I sit and try to figure out the key situation, while waiting for these people to leave. Well I could leave the keys on the tires or somewhere outside of the car, but that is too risky. I don’t really have any pockets to put a gang load of keys either. I could however just take the car keys and tie it onto my draw string. ‘Yes I’ll do that.’ The coast is clear. I quickly tie the keys and exit the car then sprint around the side of the car heading… to… the… elevator? I stop in my tracks. I can’t take the elevator, what was I thinking!
“AGGHH!!” I yell quietly in my mouth.
I hear a car coming. ‘Great!’ I lower myself down and do a monkey run back to my car. The car didn’t see me and neither did the row of cars following them. I get back in my car and untie the car key and turn back on some music to pump me back up, once again. The pump up song is Baba O’Reily by The Who. I peak behind the head rest of the front seat out into the parking level and watch these people take their time getting out of their cars and slowly walk over to the elevator. When that is happening, more cars are starting to fill up. I sigh and get ready.
Ok, I can’t go up the elevator, because Superheroes don’t wait for elevators. (They make their own elevators.) The stairs, every level has a stairs that leads up to the ground level. That’ll be perfect because no one uses the stairs.
20 minutes has gone by, and I am still in the car with my Superhero KKyllian outfit on, waiting for the coast to clear. This last couple is waiting for the elevator and that’s it, now is the time. I turn off the car, quickly tie the keys while getting out and sprinting towards the stairs that is right around the corner of the elevators. Running, so no car catches a glance of me dashing by, I slam into the door for the stairs. I look for the stairs, the goggles are restricting my vision; I don’t have any peripherals. It’s to my left and I burst up them and scale the rest of the stairs. Every floor I have to look directly at the door to see which floor I am on. Nope. Keep heading up. My adrenaline is pumping hard as I reach the ground level.



I burst through the door, into the bright sunlight; it blinds me for a second. I adjust my eyes and don’t know where I am at. I’ve gotten spun around in the parking lot, and don’t know what street I am on. People are staring at me.
‘Run,’ I say to myself. I book it out of there and am running down the sidewalk. I quickly look back to see where I came out of so I know how to get back. Ok, ok, feeling good. Everything looks good so far. My adrenaline is still pumping and it has me running at a pretty quick jogging pace, not something that I am used. It’s almost at a sprint. I recognize that I am on Beverly Dr. Ok, I know where I am at. People are all doing double takes and staring from all distances. It doesn’t faze me; I have a job to do. No trouble going on here or the other side of the street. Good, good.
“Oww,” screams a lady from across the street.
I keep running, passing some jewelry stores that are all clear, no unsuspicious people. I am coming to the cross street of Wilshire. What to do, what to do? I didn’t really think of a running route or a protection of society route. But soon enough I will know these streets, very well. I take a right on Wilshire, though I jog in place as I wait for the light. I still have to obey the law of the land; just because I am a Superhero doesn’t mean I can walk all over the law.
Lights green, I start running again. Checking the cars for any perps, (Yes, perps is also used in Superhero talk too.) Nothing, just the same as the streets. I judge every pedestrian, stereotype all civilians, make assumptions on all the public because that what Superheroes do, in order to keep the peace.
Oh man, I am getting a little winded. I am ok though, just have to pace myself. Slow down for starters, this speed ain’t doing me no good.
I run down Rodeo Dr. and it is a little bit more crowded on the sidewalk.
“Coming through, watch out, Keeper of Peace Coming Through,” I yell out. Keeper of Peace, I like how that sounds. I dodge the families, weaving in and out, trying to sense any danger in the area. None. My presence is keeping things at bay.
I am starting to breathe a little harder and am getting a little winded. My fast Superhero running form has turned into an out of shape superhero. My arms start to drag and my steps are lagging, my mouth opens up gasping for air.



Get yourself together man, act like a Superhero. I shape up for a bit but fall back into tired mode. My 2 hours of patrolling the area is going to have to be cut drastically. I take the side street coming and turn right. I slow down a bit in the uninhabited street to sort of catch my breath and feel a little better. I glance around. Ya, ya, ya, no crime here. I quickly make a Superhero decision to cross Beverly Dr. and come back down on Canon to the parking lot.
The lights green and I cross the street heading towards Canon. New problem is quickly rising, I am starting to perspire and which means so is my face leading to the goggles starting to fog up. The goggles just sabotaged me, they were doing fine and then bam, fog up city. I hit Canon, turn left and pick up the pace because I don’t know how long I have.
“Hey baby!” a woman yells out, then a crowd of womanly giggles follow.
I come up to the parking lot, and am searching for the stair doors. I can’t find it, all there is, is the car ramps and I can’t go down there because they’ll know I parked here. I keep running and pass it. I can’t stop to look for it, how would that look upon me as a Superhero? I can’t even get to my car. No, no, no. I have to go back door where I came in. I turn left on Burton. My goggles are half way fogged up. I cut down the alley, maybe it’s shorter.
“Look at that fine piece of ass!! Ooh girl, I want me that!” a woman yells out, that is working in receiving in one of the stores and is on break hanging out in the alley.
I am breathing heavily, and am trying to hurry up. My head is quickly going from my feet running to what is in front of me, with this sluggish run and gasping for air. The street slowly comes up, I run into the wall as I turn the corner and stay close to the wall for guidance. Rounding the corner, the goggles are fogged up and can only see objects and shapes. My breathing has become loud and raspy. My run is out of control hunched over with my arms flaying around.



“Poor guy,” I hear a gentleman say as I pass him by.
I try to wipe the goggles with my gloves on the outside. It doesn’t work because it’s inside. Superhero wishful thinking.
“Move!” I yell out because people in front of me have formed a line across the sidewalk. The people are startled but then the sidewalk is parted.
I think I see the parking lot stair entrance. I don’t have a choice I have to take it anyways, because I don’t know how much more I have. As a Superhero, I can’t stop or have the look of unsure on my face. I go to the area of the door and feel for the handle, I pull it open and get inside. A thought hits me, ‘What if someone tries to follow me?’ I don’t let them have a chance and I start running down the stairs as if someone is following me. I don’t hear anyone following but I don’t take a chance. Carefully place each foot on the steps in a hurry and hugging the railing all the way down. I get to the bottom level and come through the door and sprint back to the car. I grab the key that is still tied and pull it out to unlock the car, and then jump in. I stay hidden slumped down in my seat to catch my breath. I quickly finish my Gatorade and feel exhausted like I ran a marathon or something.

I resort to calling it a day. In review, 7 minutes of patrolling the streets and keeping it safe, I would say that, that is good enough for a 1st day. Now, to go back to the drawing board and work out some of the kinks on being Keeper of the Peace, as I continue to be KKyllian, The Superhero of Beverly Hills.

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Chronicles of Santa Photo Shop: Day 11

10:46 I come strolling in to the Santa set. Give my manager Sue a wave and a smile to let her know that I am here. She gives me the keys to Santa’s workshop so I can get my uniform. I am still wearing my white turtleneck and black pants. I haven’t washed my shirt once because the red apron that I wear began bleeding onto the shirt on day one. I didn’t want to wash and have a pink shirt. I have red streaks down my arms, around my waist and on the turtleneck. Each day it gets redder and redder. Pretty soon I am going to have to turn it inside out for the last couple of days of work. I put my chef’s hat on and adjust it to the right setting. I make the head size bigger than my head and put it on. I rest it on the inside of my ears, so my ears pop out and it sags down past my eyebrows. All that is left is my smile, I open my mouth, have my teeth showing and my tongue sticking out. I am the Dopey of this Santa set especially since I am and 6’3” and lanky.
I head back out. Sue tells me to go get Santa. I head over to go get him across the mall, it is a good 10 minute walk. He is in an abandon office. Which is really nice but, Damn! That is a walk. I open the doors and with my joyous Christmas spirit in me and run in there to Santa. “Are you ready, Santa? Ready for a big day, Santa?” I jump up and down. Like it is Christmas morning. Santa made sure on our training day that his name is Santa and that is it. Not Santa Mark or Santa Hansel. Santa.
“Yeah, whatever get my briefcase.”
“Oh anything for Santa. You are the boss.”
He walks off and heads out not waiting for me. If I didn’t leave with him he would have locked me in there. But that is probably Santa just saving his Jolly Christmas spirit for the show. Or maybe it because that I picked him up everyday with all that enthusiasm. Like it is the first time I seen him, each day.

11:00 Our journey across the mall comes to the end, Santa and I arrive at the set. I have noticed that my endurance has gotten a lot better. I am thinking about doing a 10k after Christmas. Santa comes in and waves at all the kids and then goes over to his microphone and grabs his microphone and messes with his Karaoke machine. “Winter Wonderland,” comes on. Santa sings usually two songs before getting started. I of course get two songs worth of dancing. Shake it! Now these are my traditional dance moves, it more of a goofy dance consisting of going with the flow of the music, swaying side to side and pumping my arms back in forth in front of me. I put on smile and dance away. I can’t see anything because my hat is so low. It probably would cover my head if my ears weren’t holding it up. Every once in awhile I get a peek and can see the crowd of people laughing at me and pointing. It really has become “Dueling Banjos” between Santa and I. The crowd is either watching Santa sing and he does sing very well, or me. I think I am winning because you don’t hear with your eyes.



12:28 We have gotten on our way. Santa finished up and kids began coming in for pictures. Manager Sue is on the Cashier. Yes I call her that too. She doesn’t like it but I think everything should be official. I am on Camera. Boo Yah! That’s right. Eat it Henry. Henry is the 58 year old greeter, who was once a camera man but got demoted because he took too many pictures. He was like taking 50 pictures per person. He was agreeing with the parents too much and he then even persuading parents out of pictures saying it doesn’t look good, even though the parents liked it. Which probably why he was taking to many pictures. It would be like this.

Mom 1: His eyes are shut there.
Henry: Yeah, he is not even looking at the camera.

Mom 2: I guess that looks alright.
Henry: Nope, she has hair in front of her.

Mom 3: My daughter looks ugly in that picture.
Henry: Yes she looks ugly.

Mom 4: Could we get some of the scenery?
Henry: No that is as close as you are going to get?
Mom 4: I want to see the decorations, though.
Henry: This is the right size, you can’t get any closer.
(I don’t know if Henry knew what he was arguing about there, though.)

Since being demoted he has been trying really hard to get back to the camera.
He takes the families order and goes to Santa, “Santa, we have Jennifer and Jason. They are getting the Rudolph.”
Santa looks at me like, ‘I don’t care. Why is he telling me this.’
Henry comes over to me down and hands me the slip, “Jennifer and Jason. They are getting the Rudolph. Take the picture.” He puts some attitude behind ‘take the picture,’ because I took his job. I laugh it off. Then I just ignore him all together because does it every time, with long stares at me every once in a while. Like he was looking at me up and down for a fight. He is 5’4” and brittle, I could take him. But then he stays there while I take the picture to see how it comes out. To make sure it turns out alright. He’s thinking ‘if I can’t take the pictures, I am at least going to put my two cents in for the parents.’ Parents would come to look at the picture along with Henry who is trying to peek in and see. He’ll let them know if he likes.
Around the set we call it the “Henry Approval.”
We start to get busy and the line begins to come quickly. This is where things get hectic, because I have to deal with taking the pictures, finding out which pictures they want, printing them out, all the while I have to keep the line moving.

I take 5 pictures of two sisters and the parents come over and choose which one they want. They then head off towards the line. I needed to find out what they had.
“Henry what package did that family have,” I say pointing to the family.
“I don’t know they never told,” he says to me and then faces them starts flipping out. “You guys never told me what package you wanted?” He firmly says to them with his arms out looking for an answer from them. “What package you want. You got to tell me.” He holds the price list card up, “What package do you guys want.”
Henry seems a little tense. I get the package name Donner and get the pictures for them.

2:00 I go take Santa back to his room and get his lunch for him. I return to the set to hold the fort down to make sure that nobody causes a raucous. Henry is done with his shift, he puts his apron and hat in his suitcase that he carries. I think he runs away from home everyday.
Manager Sue comes up to me, “Do you think you can close, because Janise had to take her son to the hospital?”
“Yeah.”
“Great, Cheryl is coming in a little bit. I am going home because I am not feeling well.”
“Alright.”
She leaves.
Santa Photo Shop is mine. For 2 minutes, because Cheryl arrives. She is the assistant manger. She is wearing a pink collar shirt along with pink socks. Somebody washed her shirt with whites.
Some people come up to find out some information.
“Where is Santa at?” a Mom asks with her kid in the stroller.
“He’s feeding the reign deer,” I whisper to her.
She gives me a look like, ‘Come on.’
“Really, Santa’s feeding the reign deer. Right now,” I say even more enthusiastically, like I what holding the biggest secret in the world. With my great big smile.
She gives a look like whatever, “When will he be done feeding the reign deer?” She asks going along with what I was saying.
“Oh I don’t know, the reign deer are very hungry right now…”
“You mean Santa?”
“No the reign deer,” I correct her. “They had to take Santa all the way from the North Pole.” I could see the lady was getting frustrated. “But if I were to guess, I would say 3 o’clock is good.”
The Mom gives me a wicked smile and leaves.
Another Mom comes up with her 2 kids, “Where is Santa at?”
“Eh, he’s on break. He’ll be back at 3.”
The Mom that was just here quickly turns back after hearing my quick answer to this family. I give her a smile and a rubber arm wave.

3:00 Santa is done with his break, Cheryl went and got him. I wait. The line has a couple of families with kids. I stand off to the side of the set waiting for Santa to come. The instant I see him I come running in there yelling to all the kids, “Santa’s here!” To get them riled up. I keep doing it and run in a little circle with the space there is.
Santa enters and whispers to me, “Get a hold of your self.”
I like to think of it as friendly banter but I think he is serious when he says that everyday. I pretty much ignore what he says and run up to him while he is getting the microphone to sing.
“Sing ‘Santa Baby,’” I say to him in glee.
“It’s not on my list.” It isn’t on his list of songs that he has written down.
“I know but sing it, it’ll be funny.” I encourage him.
He ignores me and begins singing, ‘Jingle Bell Rock.’
I go off to the side and begin dancing.

A couple of teenage girls visit Santa, not to take a picture. Oh no $12.95 is too much. They visit though.
“What do you girls want me to bring you for Christmas?” Santa asks them.
“An X-Box,” a chubby girl answers.
“Give me a new cell phone,” answers the oriental girl.
“I want you to bring Michael Jackson,” a dark skinned black girl says.
“Oh I don’t think you want him. I don’t want to bring him. He will definitely scare my reign deer and I don’t want that happening,” Santa gracefully answers.
“Well could you try?”
“No I am not even going to. You are going to have to ask for something else. Darling.”
Cute. Darling makes it so much better Santa.


4:30 Management staff comes saying that they have 10 boxes for us. Cheryl okays it thinking that they are the cookies that we hand out and they start bringing them over to Santa’s workshop where we can store. I have to stack them in there, so they start placing them next to the door for me. I take one of the boxes and look at it.
“Whoa, whoa hold up. Are you sure this is for us?” I said to the staff guy.
“Yeah.”
“These are cookbooks.”
He doesn’t know what to say.
“What are we supposed to do with cookbooks. Hand them out to kids. Do you think 2 year olds are planning what holiday cookies they want to bake? No,” I said to the guy. “Yeah that’ll look really good for Santa, ‘Ho ho, here you go there little Timmy. I have a cookbook for you. And one for your baby sister too.’”
“Hey man I am just doing my job.”
“Hold up, one more,” I let him know. “Ho ho, sorry kids I don’t have any cookies for you but what I do have is a cookbook so you can make your own. Now say thank you to Santa.” A little silence. “Well go get the rest of the boxes. I still have to go take pictures.”
He runs off. It turns out it isn’t 10 boxes but 12. Those rat bastards. Trying to give us an extra 2 boxes of cookbooks, who do you think we are Emeril Lagasse.




5:00 Santa has to go feed those darn reign deer. I go escort him to his room. While walking over there and cutting through a department store this little kid comes out of nowhere to me.
“Help, someone is dead in the elevator,” he says to me.
Now being new to this mall I don’t know where anything thing is let alone the elevator. I only know 2 places Santa set and Santa’s room, that’s it. So I quickly made the decision that I need to help this kid. We were right by a register. I instantly got her attention.
“Ma’am, this kid told me that there is someone dead in the elevator.”
“Elevators, yeah we have one. Right over there,” the lady bluntly answers like being asked a hundred times a day.
“No, the kid says that someone is dead in the elevator.”
“Yes it will take you downstairs.”
“Lady there is a dead body in the elevator. Call security.”
She finally realizes what I am saying and tells the worker next to her and calls security.
I quickly run off to catch up with Santa. First priority, Santa. Protect the package. First thing I learned in training. Protect Santa. And I did not want to be the guy who has to come back to the set to let everybody know that I failed my job. Oooh, that would not be pretty. I would definitely not be getting my Christmas bonus.

7:00 Freaks come out at night. After 7 o’clock it gets a little crazy and hectic. People have been shopping all day, they are tired, cranky, and just want to go home. The line is full and people are coming in. I have to do the greeting and the camera. Cheryl does the register. I go and see what photo package they want and then go run back to the camera and take a bunch of pictures to see if the parents like it.
“Can you make them smile?” the parents ask me.
“If you don’t mind me sticking a candy cane up their ass. That seems to be working the best lately,” is what I want to say. However I go with, “I can’t make them smile.” Though I do try to the point of rolling on the ground, making faces, jumping up and down, making weird sounds. If they don’t smile in the first couple of seconds then it ain’t happening.
One parent spent 15 minutes poking at their baby’s cheeks trying to get them to smile. It did not smile.
A family comes up and the mother and father want their two daughters picture. I take it and he and his wife love it. They decide to go with the Rudolph package, which is the biggest package.
“Wait what is this floppy?” he asks me.
“I put it on a disk and it’s for desktop and emailing only.” I answer exactly from what it says on the price card.
“So I can print out copies?”
“No it’s only for email and desktop only.”
“I can take it and print it out at home.”
“No you can’t, email and desktop.”
“Really,” he gives an attitude remark like ‘I Bill Gates, you can’t hold me’
“Yep.”
“How big is the picture?”
“I don’t know.”
“How much is the jpeg?”
“I don’t know?”
“Do you know about its pixels?”
“Sir, I am running out of ways to say ‘I don’t know’”
“I thought you work here?”
“You’re right I do work here, they hired me. I don’t own the company and I didn’t install the program. All I know is that it is for desktop and emailing only.”
“Can I talk to someone who does know about it?”
“Sure go ahead, you can talk to her,” I point to Cheryl. “But she doesn’t know either. So you wanted the Rudolph package,” I say with my great smile. “You are going to love it.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay sir, just fall into line there and she’ll help you with the money.” They walk over there. I however off center the picture and print. You don’t mess with the Camera Man.

A twenty something parents come with their little girl. The dad is this guy who looks like he heard about the hippy revolution and wanted to be a part of it but found out that he missed so decide to do the punk thing. He’s complex. He has those tribal earrings. They look great on him. His wife is dressed like a conservative whore. Nice. The father is setting the child on Santa. I am waiting next to him to see what package he wants. He finishes up by zipping her jacket a little.
“Santa,” said the punk hip father getting Santa’s attention. “Can you piss on me?”
Santa eyes quickly look toward mine. We have a conversation with our eyes.
‘Did you just here that?’
‘Yes I did Santa.’
Santa looks back at the father, “What?”
“Can you piss on me?”
“Ho ho ho…. Ho ho.”
I quickly run back to the camera, “Okay um here we go. Picture time.”
A sigh of relief from Santa.
I take one picture and say its good and rush Mr. Hippunk and Conservative whore on there way.

8:00 We got through the gauntlet of riff raff and freaks to make it to the end of the day. I escort Santa back to his chambers. I went back to the set for a little ‘Break it down now.’ Putting away everything. It went smoothly and headed home with the phrase, “Santa, can you piss on me?” in my head.



End of Day 11