I head back out. Sue tells me to go get Santa. I head over to go get him across the mall, it is a good 10 minute walk. He is in an abandon office. Which is really nice but, Damn! That is a walk. I open the doors and with my joyous Christmas spirit in me and run in there to Santa. “Are you ready, Santa? Ready for a big day, Santa?” I jump up and down. Like it is Christmas morning. Santa made sure on our training day that his name is Santa and that is it. Not Santa Mark or Santa Hansel. Santa.
“Yeah, whatever get my briefcase.”
“Oh anything for Santa. You are the boss.”
He walks off and heads out not waiting for me. If I didn’t leave with him he would have locked me in there. But that is probably Santa just saving his Jolly Christmas spirit for the show. Or maybe it because that I picked him up everyday with all that enthusiasm. Like it is the first time I seen him, each day.
11:00 Our journey across the mall comes to the end, Santa and I arrive at the set. I have noticed that my endurance has gotten a lot better. I am thinking about doing a 10k after Christmas. Santa comes in and waves at all the kids and then goes over to his microphone and grabs his microphone and messes with his Karaoke machine. “Winter Wonderland,” comes on. Santa sings usually two songs before getting started. I of course get two songs worth of dancing. Shake it! Now these are my traditional dance moves, it more of a goofy dance consisting of going with the flow of the music, swaying side to side and pumping my arms back in forth in front of me. I put on smile and dance away. I can’t see anything because my hat is so low. It probably would cover my head if my ears weren’t holding it up. Every once in awhile I get a peek and can see the crowd of people laughing at me and pointing. It really has become “Dueling Banjos” between Santa and I. The crowd is either watching Santa sing and he does sing very well, or me. I think I am winning because you don’t hear with your eyes.
12:28 We have gotten on our way. Santa finished up and kids began coming in for pictures. Manager Sue is on the Cashier. Yes I call her that too. She doesn’t like it but I think everything should be official. I am on Camera. Boo Yah! That’s right. Eat it Henry. Henry is the 58 year old greeter, who was once a camera man but got demoted because he took too many pictures. He was like taking 50 pictures per person. He was agreeing with the parents too much and he then even persuading parents out of pictures saying it doesn’t look good, even though the parents liked it. Which probably why he was taking to many pictures. It would be like this.
Mom 1: His eyes are shut there.
Henry: Yeah, he is not even looking at the camera.
Mom 2: I guess that looks alright.
Henry: Nope, she has hair in front of her.
Mom 3: My daughter looks ugly in that picture.
Henry: Yes she looks ugly.
Mom 4: Could we get some of the scenery?
Henry: No that is as close as you are going to get?
Mom 4: I want to see the decorations, though.
Henry: This is the right size, you can’t get any closer.
(I don’t know if Henry knew what he was arguing about there, though.)
Since being demoted he has been trying really hard to get back to the camera.
He takes the families order and goes to Santa, “Santa, we have Jennifer and Jason. They are getting the Rudolph.”
Santa looks at me like, ‘I don’t care. Why is he telling me this.’
Henry comes over to me down and hands me the slip, “Jennifer and Jason. They are getting the Rudolph. Take the picture.” He puts some attitude behind ‘take the picture,’ because I took his job. I laugh it off. Then I just ignore him all together because does it every time, with long stares at me every once in a while. Like he was looking at me up and down for a fight. He is 5’4” and brittle, I could take him. But then he stays there while I take the picture to see how it comes out. To make sure it turns out alright. He’s thinking ‘if I can’t take the pictures, I am at least going to put my two cents in for the parents.’ Parents would come to look at the picture along with Henry who is trying to peek in and see. He’ll let them know if he likes.
Around the set we call it the “Henry Approval.”
We start to get busy and the line begins to come quickly. This is where things get hectic, because I have to deal with taking the pictures, finding out which pictures they want, printing them out, all the while I have to keep the line moving.
I take 5 pictures of two sisters and the parents come over and choose which one they want. They then head off towards the line. I needed to find out what they had.
“Henry what package did that family have,” I say pointing to the family.
“I don’t know they never told,” he says to me and then faces them starts flipping out. “You guys never told me what package you wanted?” He firmly says to them with his arms out looking for an answer from them. “What package you want. You got to tell me.” He holds the price list card up, “What package do you guys want.”
Henry seems a little tense. I get the package name Donner and get the pictures for them.
2:00 I go take Santa back to his room and get his lunch for him. I return to the set to hold the fort down to make sure that nobody causes a raucous. Henry is done with his shift, he puts his apron and hat in his suitcase that he carries. I think he runs away from home everyday.
Manager Sue comes up to me, “Do you think you can close, because Janise had to take her son to the hospital?”
“Yeah.”
“Great, Cheryl is coming in a little bit. I am going home because I am not feeling well.”
“Alright.”
She leaves.
Santa Photo Shop is mine. For 2 minutes, because Cheryl arrives. She is the assistant manger. She is wearing a pink collar shirt along with pink socks. Somebody washed her shirt with whites.
Some people come up to find out some information.
“Where is Santa at?” a Mom asks with her kid in the stroller.
“He’s feeding the reign deer,” I whisper to her.
She gives me a look like, ‘Come on.’
“Really, Santa’s feeding the reign deer. Right now,” I say even more enthusiastically, like I what holding the biggest secret in the world. With my great big smile.
She gives a look like whatever, “When will he be done feeding the reign deer?” She asks going along with what I was saying.
“Oh I don’t know, the reign deer are very hungry right now…”
“You mean Santa?”
“No the reign deer,” I correct her. “They had to take Santa all the way from the North Pole.” I could see the lady was getting frustrated. “But if I were to guess, I would say 3 o’clock is good.”
The Mom gives me a wicked smile and leaves.
Another Mom comes up with her 2 kids, “Where is Santa at?”
“Eh, he’s on break. He’ll be back at 3.”
The Mom that was just here quickly turns back after hearing my quick answer to this family. I give her a smile and a rubber arm wave.
3:00 Santa is done with his break, Cheryl went and got him. I wait. The line has a couple of families with kids. I stand off to the side of the set waiting for Santa to come. The instant I see him I come running in there yelling to all the kids, “Santa’s here!” To get them riled up. I keep doing it and run in a little circle with the space there is.
Santa enters and whispers to me, “Get a hold of your self.”
I like to think of it as friendly banter but I think he is serious when he says that everyday. I pretty much ignore what he says and run up to him while he is getting the microphone to sing.
“Sing ‘Santa Baby,’” I say to him in glee.
“It’s not on my list.” It isn’t on his list of songs that he has written down.
“I know but sing it, it’ll be funny.” I encourage him.
He ignores me and begins singing, ‘Jingle Bell Rock.’
I go off to the side and begin dancing.
A couple of teenage girls visit Santa, not to take a picture. Oh no $12.95 is too much. They visit though.
“What do you girls want me to bring you for Christmas?” Santa asks them.
“An X-Box,” a chubby girl answers.
“Give me a new cell phone,” answers the oriental girl.
“I want you to bring Michael Jackson,” a dark skinned black girl says.
“Oh I don’t think you want him. I don’t want to bring him. He will definitely scare my reign deer and I don’t want that happening,” Santa gracefully answers.
“Well could you try?”
“No I am not even going to. You are going to have to ask for something else. Darling.”
Cute. Darling makes it so much better Santa.
4:30 Management staff comes saying that they have 10 boxes for us. Cheryl okays it thinking that they are the cookies that we hand out and they start bringing them over to Santa’s workshop where we can store. I have to stack them in there, so they start placing them next to the door for me. I take one of the boxes and look at it.
“Whoa, whoa hold up. Are you sure this is for us?” I said to the staff guy.
“Yeah.”
“These are cookbooks.”
He doesn’t know what to say.
“What are we supposed to do with cookbooks. Hand them out to kids. Do you think 2 year olds are planning what holiday cookies they want to bake? No,” I said to the guy. “Yeah that’ll look really good for Santa, ‘Ho ho, here you go there little Timmy. I have a cookbook for you. And one for your baby sister too.’”
“Hey man I am just doing my job.”
“Hold up, one more,” I let him know. “Ho ho, sorry kids I don’t have any cookies for you but what I do have is a cookbook so you can make your own. Now say thank you to Santa.” A little silence. “Well go get the rest of the boxes. I still have to go take pictures.”
He runs off. It turns out it isn’t 10 boxes but 12. Those rat bastards. Trying to give us an extra 2 boxes of cookbooks, who do you think we are Emeril Lagasse.
5:00 Santa has to go feed those darn reign deer. I go escort him to his room. While walking over there and cutting through a department store this little kid comes out of nowhere to me.
“Help, someone is dead in the elevator,” he says to me.
Now being new to this mall I don’t know where anything thing is let alone the elevator. I only know 2 places Santa set and Santa’s room, that’s it. So I quickly made the decision that I need to help this kid. We were right by a register. I instantly got her attention.
“Ma’am, this kid told me that there is someone dead in the elevator.”
“Elevators, yeah we have one. Right over there,” the lady bluntly answers like being asked a hundred times a day.
“No, the kid says that someone is dead in the elevator.”
“Yes it will take you downstairs.”
“Lady there is a dead body in the elevator. Call security.”
She finally realizes what I am saying and tells the worker next to her and calls security.
I quickly run off to catch up with Santa. First priority, Santa. Protect the package. First thing I learned in training. Protect Santa. And I did not want to be the guy who has to come back to the set to let everybody know that I failed my job. Oooh, that would not be pretty. I would definitely not be getting my Christmas bonus.
7:00 Freaks come out at night. After 7 o’clock it gets a little crazy and hectic. People have been shopping all day, they are tired, cranky, and just want to go home. The line is full and people are coming in. I have to do the greeting and the camera. Cheryl does the register. I go and see what photo package they want and then go run back to the camera and take a bunch of pictures to see if the parents like it.
“Can you make them smile?” the parents ask me.
“If you don’t mind me sticking a candy cane up their ass. That seems to be working the best lately,” is what I want to say. However I go with, “I can’t make them smile.” Though I do try to the point of rolling on the ground, making faces, jumping up and down, making weird sounds. If they don’t smile in the first couple of seconds then it ain’t happening.
One parent spent 15 minutes poking at their baby’s cheeks trying to get them to smile. It did not smile.
A family comes up and the mother and father want their two daughters picture. I take it and he and his wife love it. They decide to go with the Rudolph package, which is the biggest package.
“Wait what is this floppy?” he asks me.
“I put it on a disk and it’s for desktop and emailing only.” I answer exactly from what it says on the price card.
“So I can print out copies?”
“No it’s only for email and desktop only.”
“I can take it and print it out at home.”
“No you can’t, email and desktop.”
“Really,” he gives an attitude remark like ‘I Bill Gates, you can’t hold me’
“Yep.”
“How big is the picture?”
“I don’t know.”
“How much is the jpeg?”
“I don’t know?”
“Do you know about its pixels?”
“Sir, I am running out of ways to say ‘I don’t know’”
“I thought you work here?”
“You’re right I do work here, they hired me. I don’t own the company and I didn’t install the program. All I know is that it is for desktop and emailing only.”
“Can I talk to someone who does know about it?”
“Sure go ahead, you can talk to her,” I point to Cheryl. “But she doesn’t know either. So you wanted the Rudolph package,” I say with my great smile. “You are going to love it.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay sir, just fall into line there and she’ll help you with the money.” They walk over there. I however off center the picture and print. You don’t mess with the Camera Man.
A twenty something parents come with their little girl. The dad is this guy who looks like he heard about the hippy revolution and wanted to be a part of it but found out that he missed so decide to do the punk thing. He’s complex. He has those tribal earrings. They look great on him. His wife is dressed like a conservative whore. Nice. The father is setting the child on Santa. I am waiting next to him to see what package he wants. He finishes up by zipping her jacket a little.
“Santa,” said the punk hip father getting Santa’s attention. “Can you piss on me?”
Santa eyes quickly look toward mine. We have a conversation with our eyes.
‘Did you just here that?’
‘Yes I did Santa.’
Santa looks back at the father, “What?”
“Can you piss on me?”
“Ho ho ho…. Ho ho.”
I quickly run back to the camera, “Okay um here we go. Picture time.”
A sigh of relief from Santa.
I take one picture and say its good and rush Mr. Hippunk and Conservative whore on there way.
8:00 We got through the gauntlet of riff raff and freaks to make it to the end of the day. I escort Santa back to his chambers. I went back to the set for a little ‘Break it down now.’ Putting away everything. It went smoothly and headed home with the phrase, “Santa, can you piss on me?” in my head.
End of Day 11
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